A MOM'S DICTIONARY
- AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1 yr.old to eat strained beets.
- ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
- APPLE: Nutritious lunch time dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
- BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.
- BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mom) to be self-cleaning.
- "BECAUSE": Mom's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
- BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
- CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off shoes.
- CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.
- CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.
- COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mom's other name.
- COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
- DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
- DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
- DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
- DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."
- EAR: A place where kids store dirt.
- EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
- EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."
- ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
- "EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
- EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
- FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
- FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question, "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"
- FROZEN: 1) A type of food. 2) How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.
- GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
- GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.
- GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
- HAMPER: A wicker or plastic container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
- HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
- HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
- HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
- HOMEMADE BREAD: For most moms, an object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the Golden Fleece.
- ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
- INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.
- "I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.
- JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.
- JEANS: An article of clothing which according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
- JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.
- JUNK: Dad's stuff.
- KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
- KISS: Mom medicine.
- LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends do so.
- LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
- LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-mache volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.
- LOSERS: See "Kids' Friends."
- MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
- MAYBE: No.
- MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
- "MOMMMMMMMY!": The cry of a child in another room who wants something.
- MUSH: 1) What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food. 2) Main element of Mom's favorite movies.
- NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men and/or doll clothing.
- PANIC: What a mother goes through when that darn wind-up swing stops.
- OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
- OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
- OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
- PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.
- PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have someone else to clean up after.
- PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
- PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
- QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
- RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear "the geeky thing."
- REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
- ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.
- SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.
- SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.
- SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped, performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
- SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
- SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid, especially good on kids' faces.
- SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma and Grandpa.
- SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds, flu and even pneumonia.
- SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
- TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."
- TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
- "THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's good for them. Also applies to how they talk.
- TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS"
- TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.
- TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
- UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.
- UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
- UTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH"
- VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to find it there too.
- VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "just like Daddy."
- WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.
- WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
- "WHEN YOUR FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.
- XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
- YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell kids' outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.
- "YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months. See also "YAHOO!"
- ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already this week.
- ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.
Did you ever wonder ...
- If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
- Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
- If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
- If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
- When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
- Is it possible to be totally partial?
- What's another word for thesaurus?
- Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
- Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
- Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
- How do you know when it's time to tune bagpipes?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
- When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- Why do they call it a TV "set" when you only get one?
- Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
- If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
HOW COLD IS IT? An annotated thermometer... (in Fahrenheit)
- 60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe)
- 50 Miami residents turn on the heat
- 40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming naked in the nearest lake.
- 35 Italian cars don't start
- 32 Water freezes
- 30 You plan your vacation to Australia, Minnesotans put on T-shirts, Politicians begin to worry about the homeless, British cars don't start, Your boogers freeze
- 25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming
- 20 You can hear your breath, Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South
- 15 French cars don't start, You plan a vacation in Mexico, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
- 10 Too cold to ski, You need jumper cables to get the car going
- 5 You plan your vacation to Houston, American cars don't start
- 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts, Too cold to skate
- -10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink
- -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist
- -20 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start
- -25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going
- -30 You plan a two week hot bath, The Mighty Monongahela freezes, Swedish cars don't start
- -40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button on shirt, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South
- -50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window
- -80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move south
~If you have any jokes to submit (relatively clean ones), send them to the email address below. Thank you!
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